Fantastic Four #567

After an incredible pipe-dream that was even almost too indulgent for the likes of Doombots such as myself,  the Marquis brings Victor back to the burning reality of his downfall. After mindlessly wiping out a chunk of Latveria – man, despite the fact it was an obvious way of Millar showing just how bad a dude Sauron’s Mouth is, that really got to me – Doom’s “master” surprisingly pulls a conventional supervillain move by not killing Doom front and center, and instead dropping him into a Mesozoic pool of megalodons. This amused me not just because huge sharks are always awesome, but because Doom did something awfully similar to Morgana La Fey in Dark Avengers. (Well we obviously know where Doom got that technique, right? Ugh.) And then, at the end of the issue, Sauron’s Mouth finally opens his blindings – oh no, his face is all mummified-like, what horror – and puts on the remains of Doom’s mask, declaring himself the new Doctor Doom.  Sorry, new apprentice dude, but it looks like you’ll continue to be pointless.

So, there’s that. With two issues left, it looks like Doctor Sauron will go up against the Fantastic Four, defeat them, and then OH I WONDER WHO WILL COME (i.e. “return”) AND SAVE THE DAY? Exactly. Maybe that’s just me being in denial, but unlike Batman and his own caveman adventures, Doom surely has a time machine or something that will bring him back with shark armor. Or, you know, the ol’ “it was a[n elaborate] Doombot all along!”card. Whatever gets the job, and this arc done.

It really does pain me to have a Doom-oriented series be so aggravating and painful to read. The concept of Doom having a master besides himself – and yes, I’ll bet money on that being the moral of the story come #569 – is frustrating to say the least. Even after re-reading this days after the fact, I still frown heavily at almost everything in this issue. And that’s including the wonderful pages in the beginning where Doom saved the world and Reed died trying and Ben only has one eye. You’d think stuff like that would please me. Well, not when Sauron is just around the corner.

The art is Bryan Hitch. The guy’s amazing, I won’t deny that. But so is Frank Cho and Ed McGuiness and everyone else trying to polish the red, radiating turd over at Hulk. I look forward to Hitch working on something which, when even drawn by him, it repulses me.

Do not buy this book, do not support it in the slightest. It’s bad enough I’m giving it as much of my attention as I am. I’ll let you all know when Doom comes back and saves the day. Until then, ignore the goat licker.